Love wins...always...

I embarked on a journey of self discovery over a year ago, and as these things often go, I made promises to myself that I didn't keep, left things undone that I didn't intend to and in general beat myself up over what I didn't do well enough. The last few weeks have been stressful for a number of different reasons, none on their own that huge, but when they combined, they developed into a storm of sorts that has clouded my usual rather optimistic outlook. This morning when I woke up, I was just grumpy, cranky and done! The minute I opened my eyes, I was over it. I got up, went through the motions, made some breakfast for the kids, got them started on their school work and then as is my habit, I logged onto my computer with my cup of tea to check email/facebook/bank accounts/pay bills etc (the etc is usually more facebook)I opened FB and there the first post of the day that I saw was a Momastery post (momastery.com, for those of you who don't follow Glennon, do yourselves the biggest favor ever and check her out, she is witty, and true, and honest, and "brutiful" as she is known to say) She held a love flash mob today to help out Project Home Indy who in turn wanted to help a teenage mom, it's a lot to explain but please read the posts to fully understand the situation. I read the story and was more moved then I think I have ever been. Not because I knew this girl, but because none of us who donated to help her today knew her. And it wasn't all about money, we lifted her up in prayer or held her and her 4 month old son in our thoughts and hearts and if we could we made a donation. This young girl and her child are going to have a great shot at a better life because, today, above all else, love won. It got me thinking, that in one way or another love wins, always. Even when it doesn't seem like it, and life seems to be completely out of control, love wins. So, in the face of adversity this is how love wins for me: I've lost my grandparents, who essentially raised me and were my only source of true stability growing up. I miss them tremendously everyday, but love wins because I had them in my life, and I keep a piece of them with me everyday. This house situation is driving me crazy because people can't get their act together to get things done, but love wins because I have a roof over my head now. My daughter is developing a bit of an attitude that is not my favorite part of parenting, but love wins because I tucked her in tonight and she held me tight when she hugged me and told me she loved me more than the stars. I stress out because I don't know how to get everything done when it all comes crashing down on me at once, but love wins because I have true, honest, genuine friends who drop what they're doing to help me out. Love wins because even when we're faced with seemingly insurmountable odds, they really aren't. There will be sadness, there will be anger, there will be frustration and undoubtedly there will be tears, but in the end love wins. I plan to live by this and already I've had a shift in priorities. "We cannot do great things on this earth, only small things with great love" - Mother Teresa (and one more because love wins and it's my blog :) "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love" - Mother Teresa Let love win, let it wash over you, believe in it, nothing else matters.

Why I do what I do.

In the last month, since we've started back homeschooling, and dance and gymnastics and horseback (well that never stopped really), and all the other various and sundry things we do, I've been told by two seperate, completely unrelated people, that I am, not in so many words, involving my kids, and therefore myself, in too many things. So here's the breakdown: Monday we have gymnastics, Tuesday morning is horseback and Tuesday evening is 4 hours of dance class (yes that's right I said 4 hours), Wednesday we have piano lessons, Thursday we have another hour of dance, Friday mornings are horseback again and Friday evenings (from now until the middle of December) are Nutcracker rehersals. So far Saturdays are free and Sundays we have church and Sunday school/bible class until around noon. In between all that we have a very well coordinated schedule of school work, downtime, and rest. It'll get a little hairier when Nicholas begins indoor soccer but we've got a little time til that happens. So are we overscheduled? In a word, NO. Not for us, we make it work and we're doing the things that are important to us. Someone has argued that I'm simply doing things that are important to my children and not what is important to me. That's simply not true, becuase you see, my children are the most important things in my world. Their happiness and fulfillment makes me happy and fulfilled. I certainly have my own time, and my own interests outside of them and I do pursue them, but first and foremost come my kids. I want to see them become whatever it is they want to be, I have no allusions of a family of doctors or lawyers or engineers, not because they aren't capable of being those things, but because they've not expressed an interest in that direction. I express the importance of learning, but learning is all around us, it's not just the 3 or 4 hours a day we spend on "traditional" learning. I see Sophie come alive in a whole new way when she gets on that horse, she positively sparkles when she's dancing and Nicholas simply cannot get enough soccer, and in all those activities they are learning something, about themselves, about others, about competition and winning and losing and most importantly they are figuring out for themselves that they love and what they don't. Nicholas is ready to go back to traditional school, he says he wants to stay home yet this year but next year he's more than ready to go back. He's my academic and that's great. Sophie may or may not be ready next year and we'll make that decision closer to that time, and she's my beautiful dreamer. She's artistic, and thoughtful and athletic and she certainly has an academic quality as well, just as Nicholas has an artistic side. The point of all this is they are learning who they are, and what they want to pursue in life. If that means that I'm a chaffeur for the next few years then bring it on because that's exactly what I signed up for when I started this mommy venture 10+ years ago. It's as simple as that. For some people that's overscheduled and not what they want for their life and that's ok, it's not for everyone. But it works for us and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Mean Girls...

I would challenge anyone out there to find a more, diverse, passionate, ornery and judgmental group of people than mothers. Whether it's breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, extended breastfeeding, attachment parenting,gentle parenting, homeschooling vs. traditional schooling, circumcision, to vaccinate or not, there is no shortage of topics that are sure to cause nasty messages to fly across the internet with the speed of light, foot stomping, shouting matches at playdates and whispering behind the backs of the poor unfortunate souls who just don't know any better. In my ten short years as a mom, I've made some really important discoveries. #1 - When you really have kids of your own all your preconceived notions of what parenting will be like go out the window, and it's ok. #2 - There will be times when you make mistakes, and it's ok. #3 - Everyone from your mom to your mailman has the best advice ever and whether or not you take it, you'll be ok. #4 - Trust your instincts, your mommy sixth sense, if you will, and you will be ok. I'm far from perfect, my kids are far from perfect and yet somehow we're all ok. Whether or not I homeschooled, or vaccinated, or formula fed my children should not matter nor influence another parent's decision to do any or none of those things. What should influence our decisions as parents is what is best for OUR individual family. Because, quite honestly, at the end of the day, you're the one that has to live with your decisions. Don't get me wrong, I'm always up for a healthy debate, and I'm always more than willing to share what led up to us making the decisions we have, but I'm hoping that I'm doing it in a way that someone out there searching for answers knows that I'm not judging. Take care of your babies, love them up, and do the very best you can. No one should, or has the right, to ask for anymore than that. "It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." -Theodore Roosevelt

Words

I'm the kind of person who, for the most part, thinks very carefully about what I say before I say it. Sometimes it still doesn't come out the way I mean for it to, but I think we've all been there at one time or another. The only thing that I can do when that happens is to use more words to try to fix it. I've always tried to teach my kids that words matter, once you say something you can't take it back, you can apologize for it, but it's always out there. Don't say something just because you're angry, or hurt or trying to be cool. Then there's the other hand, the old "sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me." side of things. I also try to teach my kids that they should be incredibly comfortable being who there are no matter what anyone else thinks. So how do I reconcile the two? Tonight, Nicholas was in tears at bedtime telling me how he thinks he can finally sleep without his Yoshi. Nicholas has slept every night with Yoshi since he was one and a half years old, something was wrong. It took some prodding but he finally told me that a friend had told him that only silly babies sleep with stuffed animals. I told him that he can sleep with Yoshi as long as HE wants to and who cares what anyone else says about it. Then he hit me with "but you always say words matter, and if words matter then shouldn't I care." My sweet, innocent, beautiful boy stood in front of me with tears streaming down his face trying to make sense of all of this. I know it seems silly, it's a child and his toy, but to him it was, in that moment, EVERYTHING. I didn't know what to say, he had me in a quandry, and as my friend says, "this parenting shit ain't for punks". I hugged him and let him cry. That's what he needed, he didn't need words, he didn't need me to fix it, he just needed to get it out. In the end, he's peacefully sleeping with Yoshi. Moral of the story, words DO matter, they should be chosen carefully and we're all free to be who we are no matter what words anyone else uses or doesn't.

Smelling the roses...

Most people that really know me, know that I'm not the most patient person and have a tendency to like things to be done a certain way...MY way. I've been this way as long as I can remember, that's not an excuse for my bad behavior, just an aside so that you might have a point of reference. Even as a small child, when I'd play with my friends, I had a hard time going outside of myself and letting my imagination run away with me. We'd play restaurant and someone would order a dirt sandwich and I would simply refuse to play. If you weren't going to play right, I wouldn't play. Now I'm not exactly sure what, in my young mind, constituted "playing right", but a dirt sandwich certainly wasn't it.

As I've grown, my tolerance for nonsense has not increased. I play with my children, but if I'm being totally honest it is not all that enjoyable for me. I love seeing them happy and I encourage them to use their imaginations since I had such a hard time with that growing up, but on a scale of 1-10, nonsensical play ranks about a two for me. This has spilled over into a lot of places in my life, but probably nowhere more than my kitchen. I love to cook and be creative in the kitchen, I take great satisfaction in it in fact. My current kitchen is functional to be sure, but far from my dream kitchen. It's small, with limited counter and storage space. Everything has a certain place because there just isn't room for it to be any other way. When one thing is out of place it throws everything else off...in my mind. So for that reason, I rationalize that I am the ONLY person who has business being in there. It's not fun anyway, it's just work that needs to be done so we can eat and the house can stay relatively tidy. Occasionally one of the kids will ask to help me with something and I usually thank them for the offer but let them know that I have things under control. Today was no different until something hit me. Since we began homeschooling, we've been eating our largest meal of the day at lunchtime. We're so busy in the evenings with dance, soccer and whatnot that it's just easier this way. So I was busy this noon making the meatloaf, mashed potatoes and broccoli when Sophie came in and asked if she could help. I gave her a couple of small table setting things to do and when I was just about done she asked me the dreaded question..."Mommy, can I help you mash the potatoes?" I quickly said "oh that's ok baby, I'll just do it real quick so we can eat". She said ok and then went into the other room, but there was something in her voice that told me it wasn't really ok. I called her back and APOLOGIZED and asked her please to help me with the potatoes. The look on her face was priceless, she grabbed a chair to stand on and mashed away with as much gusto as I've ever seen, and you know what, they were the best mashed potatoes I've ever had. And you know what else, the world did not stop spinning and I did NOT burst into flames. She was happy, I was happy and Nicholas was happy (because smashed potatoes are one of his favorites).

I'm not sure why it's taken me so long to realize that giving up a little control will not kill me. I'm not sure I'll always remember that it won't kill me either, but all I can do is try. I love those munchkins so very much and if mashing potatoes makes them happy then I say mash away my loves, and for what it's worth smell the roses along the way.

Nobody ever said...

There are a great many people in history (collective history and my own personal history) who are awe inspiring, maddening, jaw dropping and yes, even hysterically funny and they all have something amazing to say. Something I would have said, if only they hadn't said it first. So, instead of plagiarizing, which is wrong, I quote them....my name is Emily, and I'm a quote-aholic. I woke up thinking quotes this morning, (mostly Martin Luther King Jr. quotes since today is the day that we set aside to honor him) I even posted one as my Facebook status. Then, just as quickly as I did that, I decided to change my status. I asked for prayers and positive thoughts for my friend today as she went through a radical double mastectomy. As I was thinking of her, and pondering the utter unfairness of the situation, another quote popped into my head. In honesty I'm not sure where it originated, my mom used to say it A LOT although I know she didn't come up with it on her own. "Nobody ever said life was going to be fair", and you know what it's not.

As part of my emotional housekeeping, I'm working on moving beyond things, that in the past I've let hold me up. People and events that for one reason or another have caused me stop in my tracks and brood over them. Some have been mild and others have been more major, but in every instance I've given them power that they don't deserve. *I* have given them power that they don't deserve! I may not have had control over them at the time they were happening, but I sure have control over them now. Nobody has had a perfect life, nobody will, nobodies life is ALWAYS fair, but in the end the only one who can cauterize the wound is the person living it. It's all about choices, and from here on out, I'm making the choice to move on. That's not to say that I will always be chipper and nothing will ever bother me again in life, but I'm making the choice to not allow things to hold me back. I will not allow my emotional growth to be stunted one more day waiting for life to be fair again. I'd be waiting for a long time and I'd miss out on so much more than I already have. For every unfairness, there is the other side of that coin that's given me something more than I even knew I wanted.

I participated in the 30 days of Thankfulness challenge on Facebook this year. The 30 days leading up to Thanksgiving, I posted one thing a day that I was thankful for. Some days it was a struggle, and that horrifies me. I've been so blessed beyond anything anyone ever should be, and yet some days I struggled to be truly thankful for what I have, and it's truly because I've allowed myself to wallow in what's not fair instead of focusing on EVERYTHING else. No more, I'm done with that, I will be grateful always for what I have.

Right now, I'm grateful for a fabulous update on my friend, everything was successful, they got all the cancer and it had not spread to her lymph nodes. I am so sorry for her that she and her family have had to endure this, but they are doing just that, they are enduring. I'm not going to harp on the unfairness of this, I will celebrate the good and this is GREAT, praise GOD!

"Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” -Martin Luther King Jr. When we hold onto the negative this is what happens. I'm pretty sure that the theme of this post is not what Dr. King had in mind when he spoke this, but it fits, and it's inspiring. My choice is to live in the now, not forgetting the people and events that have shaped my life, but letting in the light to drive out the darkness.

2012 is SO gonna be my year!

I said it, I put it out there, 2012 is gonna be MY YEAR! I meant what I said, but I'm not sure what that means. So far the first two weeks of this year don't seem much different than the first two weeks of last year, or the last two week of last year for that matter. I'm making a concerted effort to get more organized at home, purging, if you will, all the physical nonsense that I seem to accumulate. Somehow though, it never feels like enough. If I'm going to make 2012 my year (and I'm under no pretense that anyone else can do it for me) then I need to go far beyond the physical purging and get into the emotional crap that I keep sweeping under the rug year after year. I'm not sure why it has taken me 35 years to realize that it doesn't go away if I don't get rid of it. So I'm going to start sorting through my emotional stuff as well as my physical stuff and do my best to really let it go. Is it that easy? I don't know. I guess I'll find out. Mahatma Ghandi said it best when he said "We must be the change we want to see". Sure, that certainly applies on a grander scale, but it also applies to me, as an individual. Now, I just have to figure out what it is I want and need to see. If you're reading this, I'm holding you responsible, for holding me responsible. Don't be my enabler, be my friend and tell when I'm being silly. I promise not to hold it against you...for too long anyway. Hey, it's a process right ;)